In a deeply unsettling change certain to bring shockwaves to the region, iconic Long Beach rapper Snoop Dogg has announced that he’s morphed into a lion. To be specific, he morphed into Snoop Lion, which shouldn’t be mistaken with Snoop Snow Leopard, or Snoop Panther, or Snoop Jaguar or any other rap operating system you can buy for your Mac.
To celebrate his new incarnation, he’ll release a reggae album and a documentary film about his travels to Jamaica, where he was reborn as a bad-ass jungle cat. Enthralled by a newfound interest in Rastafarianism, Snoop was christened as Snoop Lion by a Nyabingi priest.
The move has enormous implications not only on Mr. Lion’s career, but on the rap citizenry of our area, whose leader he was. The potential for our streets long accustomed to Dog culture to suddenly be in thrall of giant cat culture is huge and ominous.
In light of such a radical shift, questions abound, the kind of questions you’d typically ask of your pastor, rabbi or hot yoga teacher. Instead you only have Native Angeleno to guide you through.
We understand how alarming it can be when a local celebrity shifts his identity without at least displaying erratic behavior on a late-night TV show first, so we’ve put together this FAQ that addresses the common questions about Snoop’s transformation.
How does this happen?
Sometimes after a rapper has been a Dogg for a long, long time, he gets very tired and wants to be something else. Often times, that rapper wants to be the very opposite of what he was. Everyone knows the opposite of a dog is a cat but for whatever reason, Snoop skipped right over Snoop Pussy and went to Snoop Lion. We don’t know what is wrong with him. We can only assume ING Group dangled a sweet endorsement deal.
Will Snoop Lion still smoke pot?
Um, does Drake drunk-dial his exes?
What does it mean to our souls?
Dude, we do not know. But we’re pretty sure a Lion can not, physically or spiritually, chill in the same way a Dogg can. Have you ever seen how blissed out a dog can get laying in the sun? Lions chill out too but usually with their mouths coated in zebra blood which is bad-ass but kind of disturbing.
Were you there when Snoop changed into a Lion?
Yes, we were. We were all just stone-cold chillin’ when a bright light shot through an open window and – wait, no. We were not there. We’ve been barred entry from Jamaica.
Does the world need another reggae album?